I want to catch fireflies again. I want to run through my backyard chasing the lights that come and go- always just out of grasp.
I miss going on walks. Talking with friends deep into the night. Sitting on benches and writing our futures.
My windows are open, there is a cool breeze that sweeps through the room, it takes my mind with it. If I could fly. If I could make my way to the coast. To the ocean. To warm air and soft beaches...
It has tasted like Spring the last few days. It doesn't smell like it, occasionally it will look like it, but it tastes of Spring. As I breath in deep, as the oxygen fills my lungs, Spring is there.
I need a Spring.
I am on the edge of making a decision.
It's not just one of those "do I want soup or salad for dinner?" decisions.
It's one of those life changing ones. You know, one that could change everything. Set the direction of the rest of my life and what not.
Normally I love these choices. It means a change is coming. It's exciting.
But this one is different. This one, either way I'll have to give up a lot.
It's one of those scary decisions. Like to check under the bed if a monster or ET is there.
all outcomes are scary:
a. There is nothing there, (that you can see anyway, some monsters can turn invisible you know.) but the fear leading up to checking under the bed causes you a panic attack and you end up sleeping in the bathtub in the fetal position. And this is the best case scenario.
b. The monster is there and then he (or she, but who knows many monsters are asexual and don't need two genders, maybe they are like the sponge in the ocean, so I guess it that case it's an it. not a he or she. so really: he/she/it) eat you alive, or whatever monsters do. I'm not actually sure of the proper procedure. I never had to check under the bed. I don't say this to sound like I was a brave young child, the truth is the monsters I was afraid of lived in my closet. I do believe closet monsters and under-the-bed monsters are very different in the horrors that they inflict. I am not entirely sure how they differ, but I believe they do; from my understanding under-the-bed monsters were of the scariest variety. I do have a friend who was afraid of porch monsters. I don't think those are real though.
(I must be the most conceded person alive, almost all of these sentences start with the word "I". I think subconsciously I really am obsessed with myself, but like really really subconsciously, below all the low self-esteem crap.)
c. This could be the most scary of the options. This is the choice where you don't check. You stay, with the covers pulled up to your chin- knowing that if you move even a muscle they will come and get you. So you just stay there, knowing that there is a monster there, but to live under the reign of it's terror.
But sadly "c" which I used as a child, isn't an option anymore. I need to make my choice. Luckily not extremely soon, but soon enough.
So God, this is me giving you my choice, I ask that you would guide me, that You'd lead my steps. I want to glorify You in all that I do. Here is my heart, take and seal it. Seal it for You courts above.
"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name's sake."