I am reading this book called Sister Carrie for my fiction class. It's a 19th century story about a girl who moves to Chicago looking for a new life and work. As we were discussing the book in class tonight I realized, all this girls problems, the reason she isn't happy, the reason she goes from guy to guy isn't a desire for more money.
It's a desire to know who she is. This girl, Carrie, is basing all of her worth off of what other people think of her. And because of it she is never happy.
I brought this point up and my teacher asked, well does anyone actually know who they are? Is anyone actually really happy?
And that's when it hit me.
I really had never seen it so clearly or plainly before.
For the first time in what feels like an eternity I have a desire to write. I know I wrote this morning, but I did that completely out of duty to my blog.
And I know I posted a blog on August 31st, but again, to be honest, it was the last day of the month and I realized I wouldn't hit the mark of monthly page views I was aiming for unless I wrote, so that morning before class I wrote that blog. It was all true and I stand behind it, but it wasn't really one of those blogs I had a desire to write. But I did end up hitting the views mark because of that! Woohoo
I have been in a very dry season lately. My reading as felt more like a textbook than a love letter. My prayers have felt more like words drifting into nothingness, and my life, it's been dry and colorless.
I was hopeless. I was tired. I was not filled with the joy or peace that surpasses understanding.
Christ does amazing things when we ask. And on top of that He moves amazingly when we are open and ask others to pray for us. When we submit ourselves to the fact that we don't have it all together, and when we are willing to admit that to others it puts our hearts in a spot where Christ can get glory.
I saw my cousin Josh Rech's status about his blog. The tag-line was just HOPE. He told me earlier that day he'd be sending me some hope later in the day. Well, he did just that. He reminded me of a beautiful fact.
When we feel dry, when we are in the desert, that does NOT mean that God isn't doing a work in us. He is still moving and still working, changing, renewing us!
Sometimes He even draws us into that place of dryness to do a work in us. We don't see it, but He is working.
Hosea 2:14-15 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards. and will make the Valley of Achor (trouble) a door of hope."
Even in our failures, our flaws, our narrow sight, God is working! He is faithful to complete the work that He has started in us. He doesn't ever leave us or abandon us. He is holding me. Even when I don't see or feel it! What an amazing Father I have.
Abba, Father. I love you.
"Though my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
Josh ended his blog with what I will end mine with as well. He said this:
"You are in the process. It's hard. Just praise Him. He's doing an amazing work in you. It's hard to see, but you are just in that first half of this thing. He's producing endurance and character. You will reach hope. You'll see."
Why my dear, it certainly have been awhile hasn't it?
I am sorry for the complete void of posts in September thus far. I have been quite busy and truthfully kind of depressed so writing hasn't sounded the best.
But here we are. Together once again, my computer and I, sitting awkwardly at a table together as long lost lovers might do.
I don't have anything to say to you today. Or for the past week.
I feel empty, tired, and lonely.
I feel kind of hopeless right now.
So this post has no insights to life or funny comments or stories.
But this post is simply a request for prayer.
My God is a powerful God. He is a God of hope, joy, and peace. He gives abundantly to all who ask.
And He also asks that we share what's going on with us with the people around us. So that's what I am doing. I need hope right now, I need Him to provide money for school next year. And I need clarity of which school to go to.