Dreams and dead animals.

Hamsters die, as do bunnies, goldfish often faster than both.

I once went out to feed my rabbit, Fluffy, he was dead. 

It sounds terribly dark when I state it so nonchalantly but I have recovered from the pain of Fluffy's death. I cried a lot though. I loved Fluffy. 

I was going to be a professional basketball player, that dream died. 

We move on, we press on. We must, running from pain, running from problems, running, it helps nothing. We must face our fears. It's what it comes down to. Fear. When our hopes or dreams turn into vapor and disappear we are faced with the fact that we are not in control. That scares us. 

Life doesn't go as we plan it. I've found that when I try to make life go as I've planning it, it doesn't work out all that great. I end up learning stuff because God shows me stuff anyways. But I also have some regrets when I try to take control. We aren't in control. We only have the disillusion of control. 

We tent to... 

We?

What right to I have to use the word we? Am I able to speak for you or all of humanity for that matter? No. I am really frustrated with my writing lately. I don't want to keep writing anymore. No one reads it, I don't really care about that, but I don't want to just keep rambling on because I can't give up.

I just feel like I have nothing to say anymore. I have a voice, but what do I have to say? 

Dreams die, I want to put to death my dreams, my ideas, my thoughts. I want to have the mind of Christ. I want His ideas, His thoughts, His dreams for my life.

I sometimes, alright, I very often, doubt myself. I doubt my gifts, I doubt my ability to convey what I am trying to say. I guess I doubt that I am normal sometimes. What if as I am writing my thoughts people read it and can't relate to any of it. 

I looked through a lot of blogs today, most of them haven't been updated for at least a year. I don't want to give up. 

So I wanted to be honest from the beginning, so honestly speaking, I wish more people read this. I feel like I would have more motivation to write. But maybe I should stop checking the stats of who reads it and when... Ok I can't check who reads it, but I can check when people read it. And how many. It's far from impressive. 

Again if you have any questions for me, please ask. I want to be known, I want to be open, I want to be honest. I want to be funny too. Something I think I've been lacking on lately. I'll get on that. 

I will leave you with this quote, 

Seth Cohen: You are a Cohen now, welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self doubt.

I love the O.C.