My heart hurts.
Not in some deep way as though I lost. It literally just hurts. A lot.
Not all the time, but everyday.
I've had multiple doctors listen to my heart, I've had two EKG's, a chest X-ray, and I have an echo cardiogram and blood tests scheduled. So far everything says that my heart is fine. No one has been able to explain why I get an aching in my chest that turns to a stabbing pain in my heart that then in turn works its way down my left arm.
At first I was scared. Worried. Confused.
Now, I don't care. God is holding me. What happens to me, no matter what it is, I know He's in control. He's got me. He won't let my heart stop unless it's in His plan.
And if I learned one thing this year, it would be this, God's plan, 100% of the time, is better. I've never been happier than when I've been following His will. It's when I don't lay things down that things get hard.
Yeah, when I've had to lay some stuff down there has been pain and it's been hard. But it's lead to such great joy. I feel whole. I missed home. I missed my friends. Late night baking, movies, youth group, retreats, worshiping with them, just being home.
I wouldn't change a thing right now.
I don't want to live a life filled with regret. I am forgiven, I have been set free. And I know that Christ doesn't hold my sins against me. But inside I have this fear that others will. I know God forgives. I know, that's all that matters. Man cannot judge me. Their opinion cannot hold me. But they do. I wish I could have a full understanding of what it means in Romans when he says, "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
I'm afraid I won't be forgivable in someone else eyes.
Because I've had it happen time and time again where someone doesn't forgive me, or they say they do and then hold that thing against me.
I am afraid I will be alone. This fall most of my friends are moving away for school, and I am staying here.
I am afraid my friends will all go off to school and forget about me. I'm scared we won't talk as much. I don't want to lose my friends. I am not willing to do that. I've done it before and it was a terrible mistake.
I don't want to be alone. It's one of my biggest fears.
But God's got me.