I am spent.
It every way.
Emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Sandblast. It got me.
For those of you who don't know Sandblast is a high school retreat I went on with my church youth group.
Now there were many reasons for me being in the state of exhaustion that I am currently in. One of them, I would share on here, but for certain reasons I cannot. Let's just say disappointment covers it well. To be clear I am not disappointed with the camp or people or myself, but rather a situation. But like I said, I honestly cannot elaborate on that.
But onto the good stuff. The stuff I can share with you, the stuff that most of the times I think, there is not a chance I'm letting anyone read this. That's the stuff I want my blog to be made up of, my deep secrets.
These are some journal entries from Sandblast, unedited.
I would ask that if you read these, you would finish the entire post, God was doing things through these times and if you don't get to the end it may seem very depressing.
"I feel empty God. I don't know what I have to offer. Not only You, but others as well. I am a servant at heart, but really, who cares? That's a skill easily picked up or faked by others. And sometimes it just feels like I annoy people.
Would this trip have been any worse if I was gone? What did I contribute?Did I have any impact? Do I have any?
I feel so pointless.I feel like I just get in the way.Lord show me these are lies. Show me, prove to me that these aren't true.
I feel so alone.
Show me my value. "
Self-hate. A problem I have had in my life since middle school. I always tried covering it up with words like low self-esteem. I would tell myself I just didn't like myself that much and that it was because I wanted to be improving myself.
The truth is I wasn't being honest with myself. The truth is, if I was to go and tell anyone else what I say to myself of a daily basis it would be so hurtful and filled with hate, but somehow I pass it off by saying I am just being honest with myself.
I tell myself I am unworthy, I am unloved, I don't have a purpose, and because of those things I will end up alone.
"I thought I had it figured out. I thought I had it together. God, I don't.
I am so broken. God I am hurting so much. Lately it seriously has felt like almost everyday I am feeling inadequate, that I will end up alone, because really, who besides You God could love me?
It starts with him attacking my self image then he works his way to the core of who I am. And by the end of it I am left with the feeling that I am unloveable. That I am unworthy.
God I am hurting so much. I am desperate for someone to just come to me and walk with me. God put someone in my life who will do that. I am so desperate. I am so broken and hurting. Nothing is fixed. I had just been pushing things under the rug.
God help me deal with the root of the problem. Help me forgive those who have hurt me and left me feeling this way.
God I know You speak a better word. Your love speaks a better word.
Heal me Lord."
We serve an amazing Dad. He was revealing my brokenness to me, places in my life where I didn't even know I had brokenness. He was reminding me of things people had said to me in the past that I let satan use to lie to me. But He didn't just set me up to be depressed.
Right after this ended I had a friend come and give me a hug, I had one of the leaders of the trip ask me how I was doing because she thought the message might have affected me, and then I had a small group kid come and pray for me.
I wrote this post and I almost deleted the entire entry because I didn't want people to think it was depressing. I also realized that I was worried people might label me as a depressed kid.
But this was what was happening to me this past weekend.
I am a broken person. I don't have it all together. I struggle with things.
But God is my hope. He is so good. He is my Provider, my Healer, my Helper, my Comforter, He is stronger.
I am going to end with this. It was another journal entry from the weekend. It was a revelation He spoke to me. He spoke truth, His love, His blood spoke a better word than all the lies satan throws at me.
"Michael, you are my son. You are my son. I have called you My beloved.
You are loved."
I know what it is like to not feel loved.
I know what it is like to feel alone.
I want you to know, you are loved.
I realize that this is a reoccurring statement in many of my blogs, but I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that when you hear you are unworthy, unloved, forgotten about, inadequate, those are lies.
His love speaks a better word.
If you ever need someone to talk to, someone who listens, or just someone. I am here.
Song of Songs 8:6-7