Can I tell you something.
I am scared.
I'm scared I will be alone.
I am scared that between work, school, and other obligations I won't have time to be known, to have fun, to do life with others.
I am also scared I will be forgotten about.
I am afraid that I am about to lose. I feel as though I am on the verge of losing a lot.
I feel as though I have only just begun to know my friends. To hear their hearts. To being to go deeper with them. I want that to keep going. I want to be known. I want to be open.
How can I open up if everyone is gone?
I am afraid.
"Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." -C.S. Lewis
I want to have a group of friends that our completely open and vulnerable with each other. I don't have that right now, but I feel like if I had more time it would be there.
But when I look at my fears I see that really it's not an issue of what I am afraid of, it's not an issue of what I am losing. The truth is, this fear, this doubt, is a doubt that God has got me.
I guess what it really comes down to, when I truly look at it, when I don't try to cover it up with justifications or logical reasoning, it's that I don't think God has me. I don't think that He's fully in control.
I hear the arguments in my head:
You believe He is in control. You do, it's just look! You are being logical.
You've gone through times where people stop talking to you before. It could happen again.
It's just an insecurity.
There are countless excuses to try to cover up what it really is. But the truth of the matter is, it comes down to me not trusting Him.
Not trusting that in every situation He is in control.
In a few weeks I am speaking at my youth group, the topic is that God is looking for those who are completely surrendered.
Why would we surrender?
Because He is in control.
I wish I had it all together. I wish that I could stand up there in two weeks and say we should surrender in our lives, because I have and it's done nothing but do good for me. Look at Romans 8:28!
But when it comes down to it, when I am honest with myself, when I don't try to put up a face or facade to try to impress people. I am not fully surrendered.
I still try to hold onto things in my life.
I still have this idea that somehow I am in control.
I am not in control. I am not even my own. I was bought at a price. I do not have the control to even add an hour to my life. I don't have the ability to keep my friends around. I don't have the ability to make my friends open up. I am not in charge.
My fears, my anxieties, my worries, really what it boils down to is doubt. I doubt He has me. How many times must He prove Himself to me before I believe? Before I know. Before I internalize this knowledge that I have in my head and put it in my heart?
Jesus, I believe. Help me with my unbelief.