As I slowly awoke this morning and as my eyes searched the room, something was different. Actually everything was different. And it wasn't long before my mind caught up to what I was seeing. I am laying on a couch in Brighton, Michigan at the Head's house. Today will be a good day.
Tis a funny thing when one out-sleeps an insomniac, Jeremy being said insomniac, but I enjoy the quietness of the house. I feel as though my thoughts slowly fill the room, and it gives me a chance to think. And there as been much on my mind as of late.
One thing that troubled me and that I am not sure how to overcome is the fact that before I was writing for me. The first posts were all just journal entries. It is an completely different thing writing when you think no one else will see it as opposed to writing and putting it in a place where anyone can read it, though I still think it odd that anyone would choose to read the ramblings of I. I don't ever want my writing to become contrived or forced. I want to maintain brutal honestly. As I said at the beginning, I want to be an open book.
So as my readers, be you ever so few, far, and in between, yes I can track who is reading and when, I would ask of you one thing, please let me know if I become less relatable or completely altogether.
I think being genuine is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have. It is a beautiful thing when someone is completely comfortable in themselves. And it is almost impossible to fake. We know when others are putting on facade, often it is hard to say exactly why they make us feel like they are, but we feel it, we know it.
I want to be genuine. I want to be myself. I am unique, I am different, I can be strange, but I want to be me. I don't want to ever try to fit into the mold someone else sets for me. I want to be me.
One of my fears is becoming a two dimensional person, or someone who is stuck in being a persona that isn't them. I am a pretty outgoing person, and that is how a lot of people know me. They don't know me as someone who is a deep thinker, someone who gets lonely at times, someone who sometimes feels depressed, someone who for a long time struggled with feeling as though he didn't have friends or worth. And I was so afraid of letting people into that world because what if they saw who I really was and didn't like me. What if people only like the funny, outgoing, happy Michael. It was that fear that I saw would keep me stuck, it would make me a very flat character in life. And eventually it would make me have a lot of shallow friendships. And the person who I really am doesn't like a lot of shallow friendships. I want to know how my friends are doing, truly, I want them to be able to talk to me and come to me, and I want to be able to do the same to them.
I am flawed, in many ways. I struggle with low self-esteem, I feel unworthy of love at times, I feel lonely, I am bad at spelling and reading...
As I was writing this Jeremy was reading along and at the end and right after I finished typing, "spelling and reading" he asked what I'd write next. I said I was just being open and writing all my flaws. It was at this point that he put into words exactly what I was trying to say, "You could go on forever Michael." I am flawed. That is ok. I am ok with the fact that I don't have it all together. I never will. I will fail you. I will fail time and time again. That is ok.
It is a beautiful and freeing thing to be ok with ones self. I, by no means, and free from my fears yet, but I am getting there. I am on my way. "I am off to great places, I am off and away."
And I "will succeed, 98 and 3 quarters precent guaranteed."