Alabama: We’re skeptical of you. That’s entirely dude to the fact that you still love the confederate flag so much.
Maine: You’re that girl Kevin Arnold from the Wonder Years meets on the beach on his family vacation. They fall in love and kiss. Then she only writes one letter. Yeah, that’s you.
Utah: You’re the only state with the idea to make your basketball team about music. Not going to lie, that was an interesting choice.
California: We love and hate you. We love going to you, bragging to our friends that we went to Hollywood over spring break, Sea World, Disneyland, you know, all of it. But we hate you. Just because.
Florida: Who couldn’t love Florida? Our grandparents live there. You give us oranges. The only thing anyone could hold against you is the Buccaneers.
Illinois: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temparate. In fact, you’re better than that girl Shakespeare was trying to impress.
Kentucky: There’s a rumor on the winds that our second cousins live in you. Despite your closeness we don’t know much of you, besides the fact that you make it into our March Madness brackets every year. You are the final frontier. Maybe. We don’t really care enough to learn more about you.
Massachusetts: You’re that state that people forget about. One of those states where your cities are more well known than you. Illinois feels for you.
Missouri: We’re kind of confused why anyone would name a state that instantly makes you think of the word misery. Maybe you’re lacking something in the brain that other states have. Besides Alabama that is.
New Hampshire: I feel as though all politicians live within your boarders. Obviously this cannot be true. But maybe you are a state that breeds presidents? Again wrong, you’ve only born Pierce. He was mediocre at best. You are that popular mysterious kid at school. Who once you look at you find out is pretty boring.
North Carolina: If I had to pick a state to tar and feather. It'd be you. Also I hate the Tar Heels. Whatever that is.
Oregon: We like you. We’ve kind of got a crush on your woman, and we’re jealous of your mens beards.
South Dakota: If you succeeded from the union no one would care.
Vermont: We hear Vermont is beautiful this time of year. What with all the snow and all. Our mothers love White Christmas. We love you. But no one’s actually gone to you.
Wisconsin: You’re lucky my friends from school all have lake houses there. Because otherwise my state would beat you up and put you in a locker.
Alaska: There’s a strong chance you’re a myth. No one we know lives there. No one’s from there. And nothings there. Also if you had all this so called oil. Why do the prices skyrocket all the time when there’s unrest in the middle east. Thanks for nothing Alaska. You had one job!
Colorado: You’re freaking sweet. Remember that Christmas break trip my family and I went on where we skied on you mountains. That was awesome.
Georgia: Any state with a peach on their license plate must be gay.
Indiana: You just want to be like Illinois. You even copied our shape. We don’t mind. We’re flattered, we really are. But you guys are starting to get a big head and think you’re better than us. Let’s not forget where you stand. Below us. In our shadow. Just remember that. Also you stink.
Louisiana: You’re an ugly shaped state.
Michigan: Ode to our cousin across the lake. We love you. But hate every one of your sports teams. But not as much as Wisconsin so you’re alright in our book.
Montana: I think I drove through you once on a road trip out west.
New Jersey: You don’t have the best reputation. We know it can’t all be true. But we totally believe it.
North Dakota: We aren’t sure which one of you has Mount Rushmore. But we don’t really care. It’s stupid. You can leave with your little brother South.
Pennsylvania: You’re lucky you’ve got sweet history. Moreover you’re lucky I enjoy history. Because if I didn’t...
Tennessee: I feel like you’re that state that had a crush on my state growing up but it never got talked about. And now we’re just friends.
Virginia: If this was the 1800’s and I loved tobacco I would love you. It’s 2013, you have nothing to offer. Keep with the times a little. You’re glory days are behind you.
Wyoming: You’re that really attractive girl. From a far. But then you meet her and all she eats is oats and leafs. And she doesn’t shave her legs. Also she hates candy. Who hates candy?
Arizona: It’d be a cool state, if people didn’t go there just to die.
Connecticut: You’re too intelligent for me. Senior year of high school you decided to take AP Chem for fun.
Hawaii: Who doesn’t love Hawaii? Florida. Because they’re jealous. But they’re stupid. We love you.
Iowa: Let’s just say I’m glad the Mississippi is between us.
Ohio: Drew Carey once had a TV show based in Cleveland, Ohio. I hated that show. It was always on when I got home from school. Ohio, you’ve contributed nothing good to my life. Ever.
Rhode Island: I’m simply going to comment on the interesting choice of name. Mainly due to the fact that most of your state is indeed lacking the qualifications of being an Island. But who am I to judge.
Texas: Arkansas had nice things to say about you. But most of the other states weren’t really as taken with you. We get it, you’re big. But Alaska is bigger. speaking of Alaska, you’re another state whose kind of let us down on the whole “oil” frontier.
Washington: You’re that guy in class who makes really funny jokes. But only to the people sitting around him. Then someone steals your jokes and passes them off as their own. Don’t worry. We know you’re funny.
Arkansas: You’re the person who steals Washington’s jokes. You piece of crap.
Delaware: If I was forced to compare you to a superhero’s girlfriend I’d say you’re Gwen Stacey. Smart. Attractive. Easy to talk to. Pretty much out of my league. But your dad is a jerk.
Idaho: I appreciate the potatoes. I really do. But come on. What is this Ireland? You can only eat so many potatoes.
Kansas: You are to Illinois what Anne is to George Michael. We love you. But no one understands why.
Maryland: Interesting choice for a college mascot. A turtle. I bet that really inspires the troops!
Mississippi: You’re fun to spell, I’m not going to lie. But right now if I had to choose between keeping you apart of this country or a pan of hot brownies and ice cream. I’d pick the latter.
Nevada: What are you doing with yourself? You’re like my neighbor down the street who started building a shed and then stopped after a week. You can’t just make two cities in your state then quit! Come on man.
New York: All the other states just like you because you’re rich. They’re just using you. No one really likes you. Besides Jay-Z. And I’m not convinced that’s not just a marketing scheme.
Minnesota: You got lost in the woods a long time ago and never really came out. We’re glad you people stay up there.
Nebraska: You have a college there. You’re called the Corn Huskers. I think you lack confidence. And rightly so.
New Mexico: You’re claim to fame is the fact that High School Musical was based in New Mexico. But even the directors of High School Musical thought New Mexico was too boring. They filmed it in Utah. You need to get yourself some hobbies.
Oklahoma: I’m not going to lie. We are all afraid of you. Me and the other 48 states talked. We’re afraid of you.
South Carolina: I’m not sure if in James Taylor’s mind he had gone to North or South Carolina, but if it was you. We’re ok with you.
West Virginia: Like most of the elements in the Periodic table, I don’t really know what your purpose is. I’m sure some people know. I’m sure you have one. But I don’t know. And to add to that. I don’t care.